EXPERIMENT #001:
THE DONUT INCIDENT
Sales gurus claimed baked goods could bypass gatekeepers. "Prospects remember the gesture," they said. "It humanizes you." We disagreed, but we ran the experiment anyway.
At 08:00, a dozen powdered donuts were picked up from a shop with a name we immediately regretted saying out loud. The instructions were straightforward: deliver to Company XYZ's office with a short note saying, "If you love these, you'll love what we're building." The message was chosen for maximum clarity and minimum self-respect.
The courier delivered at 09:02. Reception accepted the box with a look that suggested she'd seen this tactic before and hated all of them equally. The donuts were taken somewhere we couldn't see. Likely a break room, possibly a trash bin. Hard to know.
At 10:23, an internal contact confirmed the donuts never reached "decision makers." They sat beside three other boxes of pastries from three other hopeful vendors, all competing for attention in a room no one wanted to be in. One muffin was half-eaten. Everything else was untouched.
By 12:49, our contact overheard fragments of a conversation. They weren't flattering.
"Most people are remote anyway. Why send this here?"
"I'm doing keto."
"Donuts? Are we cops?"
"This feels like that LinkedIn crap where reps pretend to care."
At 15:12, someone opened our box, took a single bite from a chocolate donut, put it back, and removed the note. No one claimed responsibility for either action.
By 17:44, the entire box was reassigned to janitorial staff. They accepted it with a level of enthusiasm we never once received from company XYZ's leadership.
No reply.
No acknowledgement.
No meeting.
Not even a courtesy "appreciate the gesture."
ASSESSMENT:
Pastry-based outreach collapses under modern workplace conditions. Remote work killed communal break rooms. Dietary restrictions killed baked-good neutrality. And corporate cynicism killed whatever "delight" this tactic supposedly delivered.
The tactic makes the sender look desperate and the recipient feel monitored. At best, it creates confusion. At worst, it triggers an HR thread.
Could have thrown a hail mary instead. Cheaper than donuts. Less theater.
RECOMMENDATION:
Do not repeat. Nothing good begins with a pastry.